Love yourself unconditionally and others with conditions

What happens when you’re raised in a household full of unconditional love? When your parents raised you to be compassionate, honest, humble, patient, and understanding. When they brought you up to have empathy, to be generous, and caring? These are wonderful qualities to possess but what happens when you get into a relationship with a partner that isn’t matching your effort? When all you know is unconditional love sometimes it’s hard to understand that it’s okay to walk away from people that don’t have your best interest at heart. Maybe you think you’re doing the right thing by sticking around because all you know is forgiveness and unconditional love but when and how do you know when it’s the right time to start loving others with conditions? Unconditional love isn’t just something you can turn off because someone does something that you don’t like or makes a mistake, you cannot just stop loving someone. People with big hearts, I feel for you, because I know what it feels like to love someone that hasn’t healed from past traumas, hasn’t closed old chapters, and hasn’t forgiven the people that have wronged them. I also know what it feels like to give the best of yourself to someone that doesn’t know how to receive or return the kind of love you’re offering. So, it’s necessary to understand when someone doesn’t deserve you. Whether it’s because someone is taking advantage of you or projecting their own insecurities on you. In too many cases we end up getting hurt while we’re trying to help someone else because we put them before ourselves. By no means am I a professional but I am speaking from experience and observing the same mistakes in too many relationships.

1. DON’T IGNORE THE RED FLAGS AND END IT SOONER THAN LATER - I chose this as number one because it’s one of the most obvious ways to save yourself a lot of time and heartache. If someone is too controlling or jealous in the beginning of a relationship cut it there because it will only get worse. Don’t let things slide just because the relationship is fresh, this is the best time to get out. It is much easier to leave a relationship that you haven’t invested a substantial amount of time in. We grow accustomed to people after long periods of time, we get comfortable, and this comfort is what becomes the “thing” we don’t want to lose. Sit back and ask yourself what’s more important your mental health and peace of mind or comfort?

2. SET YOUR STANDARDS HIGH AND STICK TO THEM – There is nothing wrong with having high standards and having conditions especially if you know what you have to offer someone and you know what you bring to the table. Your partner should be able to match your effort and if someone doesn’t respect your boundaries or understand what you won’t tolerate then they aren’t for you. Don’t lower your standards for anyone because if someone really wants to be a part of your life and they love, and appreciate you, trust me, they’ll meet those standards. (Realistic standards of course)

3. UNDERSTAND THAT LOVE AND RESPECT ARE NOT THE SAME – and you deserve BOTH! Love is NOT supposed to hurt, and someone that loves you won’t disrespect you. I don’t care how many times they apologize or how convincing their “I did it because I love you” speech is, after they physically assault you. Listen, IT IS NOT HARD TO BE GOOD TO PEOPLE especially someone you love. Being faithful, caring, generous, thoughtful, or good to someone you love should come naturally. When you love someone, you naturally want to do nice things for them, you want to be good to them, and make them feel good. I understand that we are all human and we all make mistakes, but mistakes aren’t repeatedly being cheated on. Hurting someone you love does not feel good by any means. However, like I said we are all bound to make mistakes and a genuine mistake is learned from and never made again. Some people will argue that they do love you and maybe they do even of they can look you in the eyes and lie to you, but they damn sure don’t RESPECT you and there is no going around that. Just remember that every time you forgive someone for disrespecting you, you are teaching them that their actions are acceptable. It’s fine to forgive someone for something once and give them the benefit of the doubt but if they do it again, they weren’t sorry. They aren’t sorry if they keep repeating the same mistake, they’re just sorry they got caught.

4. BE GENEROUS BUT DON’T BE TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF – Relationships should be 50/50 but there are times you have to pick up your partners slack and it may be 70/30. Now if it’s been 80/20 for 2+ years it may be time to start questioning whether you’re just being taken advantage of. I have always been someone who will bring it all to the table if I have to in my relationships because it’s part of my nature. I feel good taking care of others, but this often gets me taken advantage of. Something I have been learning is that a man that appreciates you for pulling the weight will get back on his feet as soon as possible and reciprocate the help without question.

5. SELF-AWARENESS - Being self-aware is just as important when you’re in an unhealthy relationship. Sometimes we have to sit back and ask ourselves what part we are playing in the relationship that is contributing to the problem. It takes two to tango and we don’t always want to admit that we may be part of the problem even when someone is manipulating or gas lighting us. If you’re being emotionally. mentally, or physically abused you are playing a part just by continuing to remain a part of this abuse. Walking away isn’t always easy but there’s no excuse to continue allowing yourself to be a victim. I don’t care if you’re fully financially dependent on someone because there are so many resources out there for domestic violence victims. From housing, and financial help, to help with healing physically, mentally, and emotionally.

6. DON’T FEEL GUILTY FOR GIVING UP – Hurt people, hurt people. Like a domino effect… When we’ve been hurt and haven’t taken the time to heal, we tend to go into our new relationships projecting our insecurities and trauma on our new partners. This isn’t fair for someone that has nothing to do with what someone else did in the past. When you’ve been good to someone, and they still emotionally, mentally, or physically abuse you, chances are it isn’t anything you’re doing that’s causing it. Don’t let their trauma become your trauma. After any relationship take time to work on yourself, become the best version of yourself for your next relationship so that you aren’t adding to that domino effect. There are still people out there willing and wanting to give their best to someone that deserves it, these people just have high standards and low tolerance and there is noting wrong with that.

7. PUT YOURSELF FIRST– If you’re like me you may tend to attract very broken people and feel the need to save them from themselves. The sad reality is YOU CAN’T, and you risk allowing them to project their trauma on you. If you’re patient, compassionate, and understanding this makes things worse. You’ll make excuses for people that hurt you because you know it’s coming from a place of post trauma. Don’t be naïve and think that just because you have been so good to someone, so patient, so understanding, and supportive that one day they’re going to wake up and realize all of this and suddenly change because they don’t want to lose the one person that hasn’t given up on them. Unless you’re a licensed professional that can give them the help they need. Know when to walk away and save yourself. Maybe you’re both fighting your own battles like addiction. Walk away and fix yourself so that you can help them if you truly love them but if they don’t want to change you can’t make them. Cut your losses and understand it’s not your fault especially if you’ve done all you can. People are where they are because that’s where they want to be, it's that simple. People that want to change, change, and people that don’t will make every excuse in the book. You are only responsible for you (in some cases your children) don’t let anyone make you feel guilty for putting yourself first, especially if its for the best.

In conclusion to sum everything up if you have a heart of gold and qualities like empathy, compassion, generosity, and you know what unconditional love is, don't ever change. However, be wise in who you choose to love and above all Love yourself FIRST ❤️

In a world where you can be anything, Be Loving